Give me some love: psychologist Dr. Susan Graysen explains some things about love

February 14, 2011
by Angela Archer

Last Thursday, I posted this link on my Facebook:
In a relationship? Valentines Day could spell trouble: http://ow.ly/3TLTl

Anyway, that innocent little link launched a litany of remarks which downward spiraled into how much Valentines Day blows:

Bob* This used to happen to a friend of mine, he would like clockwork break up with the same girlfriend every year for 4-5 years. Valentines would make him re evaluate. Of course the lazy ass would get back with her.

Mike* Valentines day should be Break Up Day– where couples in love can stick together… and others can break up with no hard feelings

David* How about we eliminate the holiday all together. I have a Stinger surface to air missile ready for Cupid when I see him!

Angela i think that corporate/commercial holiday is lame because it encourages a forced display of romantic bullshit (as opposed to genuine).
plus, some people will have expectations for that day and will boohoo if their partner isn’t acting in line with that. and then there are some singles who will feel left out and sad. a lot of melodramatic artificial sentimentalism going on around that day.

Angela i propose two new holidays to be celebrated back-to-back:
1. the be good to others day (feb 14)
2. the stop bitching and moaning holiday (feb 15)

David* I want Super Bowl to be a 3 day weekend: Sat, Sun & Mon.

David* Forced display or genuine, romance is still bullshit.

Angela david*, you’re such a romantic. hahah.

* (asterisked names have been changed to protect the amigos/V-day haters)

I quite enjoyed the V-Day bashing, since it does kinda suck for people who are romantics at heart but find themselves single. (Not that I am bitter or anything.)

I will admit, I don’t care for the “holiday” myself. At least, what it means, on the surface for lovey dovey couples. (gag) However, cool stuff tends to happen around the holiday, for me and it does seem that I always get surprised by an unexpected “valentine.”

So, something cool that happened was yesterday. Sunday was a really sweet day. I attended a fascinating lecture — BioMechanix University: Advanced Sexuality with Dr. Susan Graysen, Expert Sexologist. I learned a load of interesting (and useful) stuff and met two really cool people (one of whom was Dr. Graysen)!

Here are my notes from yesterday’s talk:

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Advanced Sexuality outline:
1. Sex evolves
2. Biology is destiny
3. Female and male brains
4. Success & failure is predictable
5. ? = a good time

In the brain, caudate nucleus is linked to when romantic love is activated — it lights up and is based on a motivational reward system not an emotion. The chemicals involved in Romantic Love System are dopamine and norepinephrine.

1. Romantic love phase: Basically you need to give your partner reason to pursue you.

2. Attachment phase: Subcortical area in brain affected. 
Oxytocin and vasopressin are the hormones associated with attachment.

People with attachment problems might feel bored and want to move on to the next high. This is usually linked to childhood factors.

But, our brains are always evolving (just because someone is at a certain phase in his life doesn’t mean he will always remain there)…

Some people will always be players though, since they’ve been so traumatized when young, it doesn’t matter what their intention is; danger trumps the desire to attach. Players don’t really feel much sense of loss, because those attachment areas of their brains aren’t really developed.

Vasopressin and oxytocin is in male ejaculate — that is deposited in women to speed up women’s attachment to the men. Protect yourselves women, use a condom!

* Success and failure in a relationship is predictable.

It’s very clear cut. A longitudinal study for 15 years, followed couples to see who stayed together and who got divorced and this is what they found:

* A woman will leave the marriage if the man won’t yield to her wishes (i.e., “Come with me to a therapist,” “Come with me to Thanksgiving dinner,” “Let’s take this vacation”).  (Same situational issues, over and over again that the man refuses to give into).

* A man will leave a relationship if the woman initiates criticism of the man. Men have a natural inclination to have a heroic spirit. A woman initiating criticism of the man, will lead to the man wanting to get away from that woman. Initiating criticism is more than mere nagging: “You’re always working late,” “You’re always drinking the most at the party,” “You’re always so late,” “You never spend any time with the children.”

Initiating is the key word.

Nagging is different — “Gee dear, when do you think you will clean out the garage?” (it’s more annoying to the woman).

Criticism is an ATTACK on the man, on the way he is.

* Relationship success predictors:

✔ Couples who share same sense of humor and could use humor to diffuse conflict made it.
Through humor, humanity is bonded (says Freud).

What makes for a good time sexually? The more you embrace your pleasurable sensations, the more you AND your partner will enjoy it.

The sexual experience is the ultimate escape.

Prefrontal cortex: uniquely human. It’s responsible for abstract thinking, executive decisions, appropriate behavior, etc.; the synthesis for all these things…

The romantic and attachment associated areas of brain are similar in other mammals.

Advanced sexuality is about bringing the prefrontal cortex area (a distinctly human area) to bear on the romantic and attachment areas.

Really, you need to look at what type of attributes you are looking for in a mate. Sexual attraction is most important, but after you have that, there are also other dimensions: values, goals for future. Sense of humor is Really important!

Motivations (from evolutionary perspective/aspect):
Memory is really well developed in women. Men are more visually motivated.

For women who’ve been in a relationship for a long time…the lead time, the need for foreplay, is longer. And you can do this in advance, for several days in advance: like, a 30- second caress of her erogenous zones as you pass her during the day (at fleeting moments during the day) and these actions can get her motivated to thinking about sex.

(Women like to feel desired and appreciated.)

(Duh!)

Build this foreplay for several days, prep them for days in advance and they’ll be ready.

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About the lecturer: Dr. Graysen is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in Beverly Hills for over 15 years. She received her training at the Human Sexuality Program at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute.

Dr. Graysen is an expert in her field and has published numerous academic and professional articles about sexual functioning and sexual behavior. You may schedule an appointment with her through her office: 310-277-7838.

After the Advanced Sexuality talk, Dr. Graysen and I spoke in more detail about aspects of the discussion. She wants to give credit to Helen E. Fisher (who performed MRI studies and chemical studies) for her contributions to the pool of research on advanced sexuality.

Interesting stuff, eh? Do you find that the findings from this research to be true in your own experience or observation?